I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
