Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
