is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
