If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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