she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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