I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
