pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
