I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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