Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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