Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
