Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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