Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
