I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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