That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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