i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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