I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
