i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
