You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
