You smell like stripper and shame
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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