my phone needs a breathalizer
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
