Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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