I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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