just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
