he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
