I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
