I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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