Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
