a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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