so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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