he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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