Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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