Your tits are I can't wait for
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
sarcasm needs its own font
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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