There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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