i think my tv is drunk
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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