My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
