I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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