This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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