He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
