I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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