you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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