He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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