Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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