You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
