Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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