Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
