East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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