Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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