Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
