Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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