So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
