gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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