I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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