I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
