i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
