you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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