I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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