What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
