Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
