If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
